As more and more people get into the wedding business as a side gig, I’m noticing less and less professionalism among wedding coordinators and planners. It’s not that I am against competition. I welcome new people to our area and to the wedding business! In fact, many of my former assistants are now running their own coordinating businesses. Plus, the more resources we have for brides, the more brides will choose our area to get married. And if new vendors charge less than some of the professionals while they build their business, that’s okay. This practice gives customers on a really tight budget some options. The problem is when people sell themselves as experienced wedding coordinators, when they don’t really know what they are doing. This gives the wedding planning and coordinating business a bad name. I hear many of you saying, “I hate working with day-of coordinators.” I don’t want to hear that any more. So, here are some tips for working with day-of coordinators or planners in general…

Check In Early and Often A good coordinator will make your job easier. When you first sign a contract with your bride, ask if they are working with a coordinator or planner and if it’s a partial or full planning package. Then reach out to the coordinator to let them know you’re on the team, and make sure they have your mobile phone number and email address. A good coordinator will keep you apprised of any changes, create timelines and layouts, and take charge on the day-of, so you can concentrate on being the best at what you do. I even know some vendors that charge less if the bride is working with a planner, because less work for them!

Timelines A good coordinator will create the overall timeline, and share it with the vendors. There is no need for everyone to do their own timelines! I had one bride who had to fill out six different questionnaires for timelines: hairdresser, photography, DJ, etc., and by the end she was sick of it!  (This was before she hired us.) When you first reach out to the coordinator, ask them when they will have a timeline ready. It is usually 6-8 weeks before the wedding. There’s really no point in doing a timeline more than eight weeks before the wedding. Lots of things may change prior to that time – who’s in the wedding party, which family members can attend, and sometimes the location changes. Do you really need to know their first dance song a year ahead? A good timeline will include all the major facets of the day, including set up and clean up times, and times for major things like ceremony, toasts, etc. You can take that and add things that are pertinent to you and your staff. Saves a lot of time!

Communicate Communicate Communicate A good coordinator will be the first person on site. On the day of, as soon as you get to the venue, check in with the coordinator to find out where you are supposed to set up and to get any updates to the timeline. Sometimes the weather changes things, and sometimes things get rearranged at the rehearsal. If you are running late, text them. If you leave the venue after set up, or if it is just a drop off, let the coordinator know. Make sure they understand how to use any equipment, which items need to be returned to you, and when they will be picked up. If your equipment is really valuable, try to leave someone behind to watch it. If you need to take a break during the event, we don’t mind covering for you for a few minutes. And if you have questions on the day of, contact the coordinator, not the bride or her mom, or the venue manager. A good coordinator will field questions and relay them to the appropriate person if necessary. That is primarily why people hire day-of coordinators (besides set up and clean up). They don’t want to be pestered with questions; they want to enjoy the event.

Put Me In Coach A good coordinator will take charge. The coordinator is like the coach of a football team. They decide who plays when, what the plays are, and when a change in strategy needs to be made. You’re a part of the team. The client, whether it is the bride or groom or the mom, is the quarterback. You can’t call an audible. In most cases, the coordinator has been working with the couple and their family for over a year. They’ve gotten to know them really well -- their preferences, their back stories, who doesn’t get along with whom, etc. It’s best to let the coordinator decide if something needs to be changed. And if the coordinator tells you that your outfit is not appropriate, or that the mom (who is paying for everything) does not want the garter toss, or the music is too loud, or that what you are doing is interfering with another vendor’s job or with a guest’s ability to enjoy the festivities, then you need to listen. It will result in better reviews for you, and more recommendations from the coordinator.

Show Some Respect A good coordinator knows her etiquette. For example, there is a certain amount of decorum and respect that is required when you are working a religious ceremony, whether Christian, Jewish, or interdenominational. There should be no talking, whispering, or joking around during the ceremony. There should be no movement at all that might distract the guests, the officiant, or the couple during the ceremony, and that goes especially for photographers and videographers. Although the coordinator can advise where it is best to station yourself during the ceremony, it is the officiant who is actually in charge of the ceremony. Be sure to check with them on their preferences. Flash photography is prohibited in most churches. So is standing behind the officiant or the wedding party. This holds true even if the ceremony is outside. If the officiant is just a friend who got ordained online, here is a general rule: Stay out of the way. I know you are trying to do the best for you clients, but their family and guests have travelled a long way, and they have the right to witness the ceremony without distraction. If you can’t get “THE SHOT” from somewhere in the back, maybe you need better equipment. An exception might be briefly standing in the aisle to capture mom being escorted to her seat, or the happy couple exiting. If you absolutely must stay in the aisle, kneel down so you are not blocking anyone’s view. Consult the coordinator when you have questions about whether or not something is appropriate, and heed their advice. It will make you look more professional.

Dress Code A good coordinator will dress professionally and wear a name badge. For vendors, pretty much anything goes during set up and clean up, but during the event, what you are wearing should be as similar to what the guests are wearing as possible. Short skirts, jeans (especially ripped jeans), and lots of visible tattoos are not appropriate for most formal events. Dress like you’re going to a job interview, because, in a way, you are. No one is going to recommend a DJ who wears sweatpants and a hoodie to a wedding (Yes, that happened). Wear a name badge. Comfortable shoes are understandable, of course, even if they are more casual. (I know one photographer who switches shoes 2-3 times during the day!) If you are moving around a lot and are likely to get hot and sweaty, bring an extra shirt (or two). And, for goodness sake, use deodorant!

Let’s Get Tipsy (NOT) A good day of coordinator will help keep an eye on the guests and alert the bartenders if someone needs to be cut off. But checking ID’s and cutting people off is the responsibility of the bartenders. That is why most venues require a licensed bartender who knows the state’s rules regarding alcohol service. However, if you see something, say something. Things like teenagers taking sips of beer when adults aren’t looking, or a guest who is so drunk they can’t stand up, can lead to HUGE problems later – for all the vendors - if there is an accident. It does not matter if they aren’t driving. If you can’t find the coordinator or get to the bartender, tell the venue manager or a security guard. And you should not be drinking alcohol yourself. You are at work. This is not a social event, for you.

A good coordinator will keep her clients happy, while also helping the vendors get their jobs done, and assuring that the family and guests are having a fabulous experience. It’s a tough job!  But you can help. I know there are bad coordinators out there who are bitchy and boss around the other vendors, and I’m sorry about that. But the majority of coordinators are experienced professionals, and are only there to help everyone have a good time. If they have a suggestion, listen. They might see the opportunity for a great shot, the perfect song, or a special treat that will make you look good. A coordinator can be your best friend, if you will just let them.

It just happens that one of our coordinators was a wedding planning advice columnist in Alaska in a past life. Really! She was kind enough to share some of her past columns with our readers. Please feel free to comment or tweet your questions so Miss Ellie and Miss Sam can help you, too!​

DEAR SAMANTHA,
Do we really need to feed our photographer and DJ at the reception?

Although they may not be guests, the people you have contracted to work at your wedding are performing a job during a time they would normally eat. You certainly don’t have to, but it’s a nice gesture, and would almost certainly promote better service from them. However read the fine print, as many wedding professionals have the provision that they must be fed written into their contract, so be prepared. If you still can’t stomach the idea of offering a $50+ plate of food to your DJ, coordinate a less expensive meal for them with your caterer. But under no circumstances are you obliged to offer them free alcoholic drinks. After all they’re on the clock, working for you. And nobody likes a drunken DJ, anyway.

DEAR SAMANTHA,
How do I graciously decline the “donated” help of extended family members? I have one family member who likes to do amateur flower arranging as a hobby and wants to do my wedding flowers. I don’t want amateur flowers but I don’t want to hurt her feelings either.

It’s always difficult to tactfully turn down help, especially when you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. My suggestion is to thank them profusely, but say you and your fiancé have already contracted with a similar vendor based on your needs and budget. Ask if you can count on them to help you select the flowers at your local professional florist. This will make them feel appreciated without ever knowing your true feelings.

DEAR SAMANTHA,
We plan to have an open bar at our wedding reception. Can we be held responsible if someone drives home drunk and has an accident?

You are off the hook. In Alaska, the person who is serving the drinks is liable for any situation that results in a drunk driving accident. Keep in mind that this scenario is rare because all servers and bartenders are required to pass an exam that teaches them the signs of inebriation and have been instructed on what to do if someone is getting intoxicated. Worth mentioning is the fact that some facilities offer free cab rides home in severe circumstances because it’s in their best interest to make sure that nothing happens to you or your guests. If these thoughts still keep you up at night, another alternative would be to provide your guests with a few bottles of wine on the table. It’s enough to celebrate the moment, but not enough for things to go south.

DEAR SAMANTHA,
My bridesmaids are all different sizes and have very different opinions about dress styles. Do you have any suggestions on how I can make everyone happy?

So many brides think they have to dress their maids in the same dress, and with everyone having different body types, you will inevitably have one or two crying in their pillow at night or cursing you under their breath. One option is to take all your maids shopping at the same time and hope they all agree on the same style. If that doesn’t work, another solution is to go to a fabric store and select material that you absolutely love. Then send each maid five yards and instruct them to find a dress pattern they like that is appropriate for your ceremony (casual, formal or somewhere in-between). Once found, have them take it to a reputable seamstress. In the end the cost should be around the same as if you bought it off the rack (or possibly even less) and your girls will feel beautiful in a dress that’s flattering to them. It’s a win – win.

DEAR SAMANTHA,
Do I really need a wedding planner? My mother says yes, but I have friends who say they can help. Who do I listen to?

Listen to your mother, especially if she’s offering to pay for one. Wedding planers are worth their weight in gold, whether you hire one from the very beginning or just for the day of your wedding. They can alleviate many decorating and logistic issues that need handling, take all the calls the day of the wedding and think of things you haven’t. If you choose a friend to help you with the details, they may not be able to enjoy the wedding due to all the responsibilities heaped upon them or, worse, may not live up to your expectations.

DEAR SAMANTHA,
My fiancé wants to have an open bar at our reception and I think it’s too expensive. Is there a way to estimate how much it will cost?

Industry standard dictates that on average, guests will drink two drinks the first hour and one drink every hour after. So if you invited 100 guests and 80 percent drank, you would spend around $2,000 in alcohol alone. Also don’t forget: With hosted bars, there is usually an automatic 20-percent service charge with every drink poured. If a hosted bar is too scary of an idea, another option would be to purchase a set amount of beer or wine, and when it runs out, guests would start paying for their own drinks. Having a semi-hosted bar would ensure there wouldn’t be any bar tab surprises.

DEAR SAMANTHA,
My fiancé and I come from two different spiritual belief systems. What kind of service should we have?

It’s always difficult to blend two cultures together and keep two families happy. Especially if they are polar opposites. The best plan is to sit down with your partner and talk about what is most important to each of you. Then try to combine what’s important in the ceremony. Another option is two ceremonies. This is often done to satisfy the families more than the couple but can help to keep the peace.

We are from different faith backgrounds, and we don’t attend any church right now. One of our good friends has offered to go online and get ordained so he can marry us. My question is, is this legal?

Great question! You see this scenario occur so often on television and in movies that it’s tempting to think it’s legitimate. But in North Carolina, it’s a little trickier than that. You’ll have a hard time getting a straight answer to your question, though, because the State can’t “regulate” churches or ministers for fear of violating the barrier between church and state. But they have issued some “guidelines” for your protection and theirs (see below). Why? If there is ever a question about whether the marriage was valid, the state needs to be able to find the officiant as well as the witnesses to the wedding. They can’t find them if they were ordained on some website that no longer exists. (Sometimes this comes up in the case of annulment or divorce, but also, when the premature death of one of the partners causes other potential heirs to question the validity of the  marriage.)

Rather than see this as an obstacle, though, consider it an  opportunity. If you have not done it before, now is the time to give some thought to your religious beliefs. What do you believe? Would you like to get involved in a community of people who share those beliefs? What about when you have children? Churches, whether formal or informal, can be a wonderful source of support for your marriage and your family, especially when times are tough. If you’re still not comfortable dentifying with a particular organized religion, there are lots of legitimate ministers out there who offer their services for a fee, and they cover the whole gamut of religious beliefs.  Just ask your wedding planner for a recommendation.

NORTH CAROLINA MINISTER GUIDELINES

Who may perform marriages in the state of North Carolina? An “ordained minister of any Faith.” A faith is a group of churches with similar beliefs and structures. The following is a list of faiths generally recognized by this state: 

Advent Christian, African Methodist Episcopal, Anglican, Alliance,  Apostolic, Assembly of God, Associate  Reformed, Baptist, Bible,  rethren, Catholic, Charismatic, Christian, Christian  Science, Church of Christ, Church of God, Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day
Saints, Community, Congregational, Disciples of Christ, Episcopal, Evangelical, Fellowship of Christian Assemblies, Foursquare Gospel, Freewill Baptist, Friends (Quaker), Full Gospel, Greek Orthodox, Holiness, Independent Baptist, Jewish, Jewish Christian, Lutheran, Mennonite, Methodist, Moravian, Missionary Baptist, Nazarene, Orthodox Catholic, Pentecostal, Pilgrim, Presbyterian, Presbyterian
Church of America, Presbyterian Church USA, Quaker, Reformed, Russian Orthodox, Salvation Army, Seventh-day Adventist, Southern
Baptist, Trinity, United Church of Christ, Unitarian Universalist Churches, Unity, Wesleyan.
 
If not ordained by one of these faiths, does the group issuing the ordination meet the following criteria?
      
Does it have a written creed, statement of faith, or summary of beliefs?       
Does it have regularly scheduled religious services?       
Does it have an established place of worship?      
Does it have an established congregation or other regular membership group?       
Does it conduct baptisms, weddings, funerals,  etc.?

If in doubt, check with your county register of deeds office. They are the ones ultimately responsible for issuing marriage licenses and recording marriages.